There are 14 parts in this play:
The stage is in semi-darkness and from offstage we hear the voice of the chav teacher, who sounds like a sergeant-major in the army.
CT: Remember, you are entering a field of battle. You will not fail. You will batter them. What are you?
4 CHAVS: We are chavs.
4 CHAVS: We are chavs, sir/miss.
CT: Quick march.
The chavs enter in chav marching style, whatever that is, and the lights come up as they do. They line up against the far wall of the stage, and place their JD bags in front of them.
CT: Hoods, down!
They do this.
CT: Chewing, gum!
They do this.
CT: JD bags, ready!
They do this.
CT: Inspection. Equipment check.
The CT walks along the line. He stops at Chav 1 and inspects her earrings, which are huge.
CT: Very good. Examine these closely, everybody. We are in the presence of Chav royalty.
CHAV 1: Thank you sir/miss.
They all show their appreciation and do a high-fives. He goes to Chav 2.
CT: Excellent sovereign ring here. Tell everyone why you are wearing this.
CHAV 2: Those posh kids might need a back-hander, sir/miss.
CHAV 3: Show them who’s boss.
CT: The right answer! Now I need hardly tell you how important today is. This is the final of the inter-schools mountain orienteering challenge. You will win. You will go out there into the wilderness, get your trainers muddy and not whinge about it. For once in your lives you girls will think Boudicca not Britney.
CHAV 1: Who?
CHAV 2: Is that a rap artist?
CHAV 3: Boudicca, also known as Boadicea, was Queen of the Iceni tribe who led an uprising against the Romans in 61 B.C.
There is a stunned silence.
CHAV 4: You what?
CHAV 3: I read a book once.
CHAV 1: Wayhay, get the professor.
CT: All right, all right. That’s enough intellectual discussion. What are you?
ALL: Chavs, sir/miss!
CT: Good. Prepare for action.
The last order is barked out army-style. The chav girls lounge around, getting their make-up out and start painting their nails etc. Now from offstage we hear the Posh Teacher.
PT: Are you all pp’d?
POSH 1: Properly prepared sir/miss.
POSH 2: That’s us.
PT: Splendid. Now remember. We have certain standards. You will have a jolly time but you will win. Do you understand?
POSH 3: We will win, sir/miss.
POSH 4: Will they be armed, sir/miss?
PT: Well, I’ve requested a full body search. Quick march.
The posh kids march in and round to the opposite end of the stage. They line up.
PT: Remember, if we win, it’s all about the victory. Agincourt, Waterloo, Trafalgar and “once more unto the breach.”
POSH 1: What if we lose sir/miss?
PT: I beg your pardon. So if we win, which we will, it’s all about the victory.
POSH 2: And the money.
PT: Yes, the victory and the money. And if we give them a draw, which we won’t, then it’s all about the taking part.
POSH 2: And the money.
PT: No need to keep stating the obvious.
One of the posh kids takes out a pair of binoculars and trains them on the chavs.
POSH 3: Wow, they’re all girls. Gosh. This could be swish.
POSH 2: Can we do the body search miss?
POSH 1: Oh yah that would be spiffing.
They all chortle.
PT: No. There will be no fraternising. You might get a disease. Now do you all remember your chav language lessons? Give me four translations for (consults sheet of paper) – ‘innit’.
They all think deeply. The PT rolls her eyes.
PT: Oh come on. We cancelled your tax evasion seminar specially for extra coaching. ‘Innit’.
POSH 1: Errm, errm, – “I am looking forward to a life on benefits”, sir/miss.
POSH 2: “I have no idea who my child’s father is”, sir/miss.
POSH 3: “I have just completed the successful consumption of six litres of Aldi’s finest cider, and am ready to engage in fisticuffs with any of you fine ladies.”
PT: Excellent. Top marks!
POSH 4: “Aren’t these big hoop earrings just lovely,” sir/miss.
PT: Absolutely splendid.
POSH 2: Can’t we even talk to them first miss? I mean, size up the oppo and all that.
PT: All right. But don’t get too close.
One of the chav girls gets her binoculars out.
CHAV 1: ‘Ere they’re all boys. Check ‘em out.
CHAV 2: Let’s have a look. Posh totty. (They high five) Let me at ‘em.
CHAV 3: (Graps the binoculars) Here ladies, they’re coming over. Play hard to get.
The posh boys walk over.
POSH 1: I say, where are you all from?
CHAV 1: “I iz banging in de ghetto”
The posh boys confer.
POSH 2: I think it means “I am considered quite popular on my Middlesbrough Council Estate.”
CHAV 2: “Are you havin’ a giggle mate?”
POSH 3: Oh I know this one. “I wish to confirm whether or not your previous statement or action was intended to cause offense or whether it was just
your wacky sense of humour. I regret to inform you that if it emerges that your objective was the former, I will be forced to extract your gall bladder via your rectum.”
CHAV 3: “Safe mayt, chek out me new henri’s.”
POSH 2: Golly, we did this one. Let me think. Oh yah got it. It’s a fashion statement. “Hello old friend, how are you today? Please admire my rather smashing Henri Lloyd tracksuit bottoms.”
CHAV 4: “You boys got a car, innit? Ma Pug 206 ‘atchback, I dun it up so it cun top 190 mate.”
POSH 1: Oh gosh, that’s a really tough one. Any idea?
POSH 2: Oh I know. I mean like every chav wants a car to impress their mates. But they can’t afford a Mercedes like us, all they can manage is an old banger which has a false MOT. They modify it with stuff stolen from Halfords and a stadium sound system to make sure anyone within 300 yards can sing along with them.
CHAV 2: You boys ready for what’s coming to yer?
POSH 3: Oh gosh rather.
CHAV 3: Well we’re gonna win.
CHAV 1: Safe, mate.
The two teachers intervene.
CT: Right, that’s enough. This is a competition. So don’t get too familiar.
Back to the starting line-up.
The two teams line up on opposite sides of the stage.
PT: Have you done the risk assessment?
CT: I’ve confiscated their knives.
PT: Is that all? How can we be expected to race without proper authorisation? I’d be crucified if anything happened out there. (The posh teacher takes out her briefcase and takes out a document in turn) New and Expectant Mother’s Policy, Control of Vibration in the Workplace, Ionising Radiation Open Sources, Radon Management, Manual Handling Operations Directive, Control of Substances Injurious to Health, Safety in Sport and Recreational Activities, Disposal of Clinical Waste, Water Safety Management Policy. There’s more.
CT: My girls can look after themselves.
PT: (Sighs in frustration) On the streets of Stockport maybe. But this is rough country. There are hazards.
CT: Like what?
PT: I don’t know. Avalanches, sudden snowstorms.
CT: It’s July.
PT: Old mine shafts then. Marsh gas. Terrorists posing as shepherds.